Bribery, and Other Forms of Zero-Tolerance Parenting

Okay. I admit it. I am a soft touch. In some circles, that is considered a sign of weakness. That's okay. They are entitled to their opinion. They are also entitled to their children.

I have seen no evidence that their one-size-fits-all, "whup-em-all and let God sort them out" approach works any better than mine.I always thought I'd be one of them. I was a firm believer in demanding submission of my child. Then I actually had a child. Now I'm not saying that any kid doesn't need a physical reminder from time to time - even mine. I just prefer to coax rather than to force. I fancy myself more of a Judo-style parent. You know. The "Gentle Way". I'd prefer to use his own momentum against him. But I digress.

A little less than a month ago, I came home to find a screaming son and a near-hysterical wife. Apparently the little nipper had pushed buttons all day long. Well, he's only 2 and 1/2 years old, so reasoning with him was a little ridiculous. I decided, nonetheless, to have a "talk" with him. So that night, on "Daddy's Bed", after we'd had our daily wrestle and tickle-fest, I sat him on my chest and got his attention...

"Buddy?" No response. He reached for his stuffed puppy. Number 432, I call him.

"Buddy?" He looks at me dead-pan, as if already grasping the teenage "What is it now" look concept.

"It is really important that you are a good boy for Mama when I'm not here. Do you understand?

"Guh boy".

"Well. If you will be a good boy all week, then at the end of the week I'll give you THREE DOLLARS!"

"Fee dahs?"

"Yes! Three dollars!"

Well, the die was cast. Two days later, after my wife reminded him to be a good boy, he spouted "Fee dohs a munt" (Three dollars a month). She promptly called me, amazed that he had remembered. I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised. This is the kid that has been raiding my loose change for nearly a year, running into his room and depositing it into his big fat sterling piggy bank with a 'klunk". Now it's a done deal. Every Friday, I am expected to pay up. It is well worth the fee dahs for the entertainment. Just call me the ultimate sucker.